Anyone who has known me for any period of time knows that I was an early joiner to the Groupon craze. Who doesn’t love a deep discount at an establishment you would otherwise never even drive by? As the years have gone by, and Groupon has become mainstream and commercial, the experiences with Groupon have become stranger and stranger. Tonight was one such experience.
I purchased a groupon for a “body wrap and facial”. Sounds promising, right? I expected a relaxing, detoxicating, hydrating experience. I looked forward to it all week.
I arrive at said spa destination and am surprised to see that it’s in a part of town that largely houses warehouses and storage facilities. The parking is nightmarish, and I find myself walking down an incredibly busy street that has no sidewalk to find the front entrance. When I enter, all the lights are off, and I think, “oh shit, I’ve come on the wrong night”, until I see movement in the corner. Looks like I’ve arrived.
A gruff man at the counter instantly gives me that “oh, you’re a GROUPON” look and scolds me for not knowing what day I purchased my Groupon on. I appease him by showing him the expiration date, and then ask him if I can use the bathroom. He replies “no”, and sends me back to my seat in the waiting area/office for some other business.
The massage therapist comes out and greets me, takes me out back, and lets me us the bathroom which I’m fairly certain was a custodian’s closet in a former life. But, the toilet has a bidet, and that’s kind of exciting, so I’m feeling this experience is looking up.
I enter the room for the treatment and she promptly directs me to get butt naked and lay down on the table so I can be plastic-wrapped for the “body wrap” portion of my service. She advises me this will help eliminate the toxins in my body and given the Taco Bell I ate the previous weekend, I figure this can only be a good idea. I get lubed up and then syran-wrapped where I promptly begin to sweat.
The therapist then begins the “facial” portion of this treatment. This appeared to involve slathering something on my face, and then leaving the room for an extended period of time. I continued to bake in my personal-sweat-tent and started to wonder what kind of facial this is where I get smothered and then abandoned. This happens three of four times until I realize why this might be: I think the therapist is conducting a simultaneous service in an adjoining room. WHAT THE?
Finally, the therapist completely abandons me, and I start to roast. I start to peel off layers of my sweat tent and am laying there naked when I see, SEE, angry man walk by through what I realize is actually a window. Good grief. I start to get up and remove the sweat-and-sludge from my body when missing Therapist makes an appearance. She doesn’t seem terribly surprised that I’m taking matters into my own hands and she tells me I should get dressed and drink lots of water.
The end? Not quite. One of the random smothers on my face seeps into my eye and blinds my left eye, which remains useless for my entire ride home. I arrive home, sweaty, full of sludge, and half blind to Hubs whose pretty sure I just went jell0-wresting and not to a spa.
Will this be my last Groupon? Probably not. It always provides good blog fodder and makes for interesting party time discussions. But I’m crossing that place off the list. There may even be a YELP review.